I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life. It weighed heavily on me through the last part of high school and all through University. I graduated with a degree in Geography and a minor in English from UBC and had no idea what to do next. So I decided to travel. Through travelling, I discovered I really enjoyed photography. I bought my first camera, a Canon Rebel and took it with me on a three-month backpacking trip across Australia and New Zealand.
Finally, I felt like I had found something I was truly passionate about. I wanted to do photography. I signed up for a bunch of courses and learned as much as I could. People from my classes would meet up after class and go on photo adventures. I loved spending hours going through the photos afterwards and perfecting the images in Lightroom and Photoshop. It sparked something in me and made me feel alive.
Then, friends started asking me if I could do headshots for them, or engagement shoots and even some weddings. So I did. I started making the transition from a hobby to a small business, but when people enquired how much it would be for a photoshoot, I would freeze. I would become overwhelmed with anxiety. I would get inside my head and wonder if I was good enough. I had finally felt like I had found something I was good at, but when I felt the pressure of being good enough for other people, I lost my confidence.
As far as the feedback I received from the people I did photoshoots for, they were all really happy. However, the stress I felt surrounding these shoots, and the pressure I put on myself had robbed the joy from something I had loved so deeply.
Then I moved to Nova Scotia. Before I got hired on with WestJet, I considered several times to start up my own business here as a photographer. Every time I started to sit down and work on a business plan, that little voice would come back in my head and remind me of the possibility of failure. It would always take me back to one question: “what if you’re not good enough?”
My insecurities got the best of me and I told myself that if I didn’t try, then I couldn’t fail. So I didn’t try. How horrible is that? I didn’t even try. It’s been a conclusion I have come to many times in my life in different situations. Looking back I know I could have been successful if I had believed in myself. I wonder, where could I be now if I had just taken the chance?
Since moving to Nova Scotia almost 8 years ago, I have only pulled out my camera a handful of times. I miss it. I took it out last week to take some photos of the kids and I started going through the memory card. It still had photos on it from 2013. That’s how little I use it. The revelation made me really sad and I have made the decision to try to find my passion for photography again. It’s part of the reason why I wanted to start this blog too. It’s part of the reason why my word of 2019 is DOER, because I no longer want to hold myself back. I no longer want to be afraid of failure, because even if I fail, I will have tried, and from now on, in my books that will be considered a win.